Because I know you're concerned

I'm happy to report that the search is over.

You probably weren't even aware that a search was taking place, so let me bring you up to speed.

For about three years, Wife and I have been on an enduring search for a kitchen table. For our entire married life, we'd been using an antique hand-me-down.

A fine table to be sure, but it was a touch smallish and its four chairs were top-heavy.

With the old table, if we ever dared to do something as offbeat as have someone over for dinner, we all had to huddle up nice n' cozy.

We found a great set at Ikea last summer, but didn't have space in the Odyssey for the nine hour drive home. We also found a pretty good table at Target, but I wasn't sold on the chairs that came with it.

So early this week, Wife popped into a family-owned place in our neighborhood and saw that a set we'd been eyeing for a while was marked down. And that was the little push we needed to buy the thing.

Now we've got a six-seater that fits everyone (and company) comfortably. So next time you're in the neighborhood, we've got a seat for you.

Attack of the early summer virus

Turns out we were right about Daughter. She was sick.

After her late wake-up, she sported an intermittent fever for part of the day Monday. We let her have a lazy day (read: watch way too much TV) as not to run her down.

Wife took her to the pediatrician on Tuesday for a throat swab since she'd been talking like Harvey Fierstein for most of the weekend. The culture was negative, so we got the answer that every parent loves to get at the doctor's office: there's nothing wrong with your child, now go pay your copay and have a nice day.

Anyhow, all seems to be pretty well now. Son seems to have caught whatever funk it was that Daughter had, but I think we're on the tail end of it. We should be in good shape for the weekend.

tumbleweed blowing by

Apparently the sandman backed the whole truck into Daughter's room

It's 9:31 a.m. Daughter is still in her bed, sound asleep.

Maybe it's because we were out late last night. Or because she had all that sugar just before bedtime. Or because it's dark and gloomy and rainy here today.

Wait a minute.

She was in bed at 7:30 last night. And she didn't have sugar before bed. And it's sunny and gorgeous here today.

Why on Earth would our little early riser still be asleep?

I think I know the answer, and I don't like it. Our little princess is probably sick.

They say that chicken noodle soup and rest are good for sick kids. What about cookouts and sun and baby pools? Think that will work?

10 things about meme - for real this time

A week or so ago, Shalee tagged me for a 10 Things About Me meme. I put up a silly version, but here's an honest one.

10 Things About Me

1. I'm an introvert. I enjoy being social and interacting with people, but I'm most comfortable with my immediate family and alone.

2. I can't wear sandals or Crocs. I have scrawny little legs but flat feet, so I look like I'm walking in snorkeling flippers when I have sandals on.

3. I clinch my jaw almost all the time. Because of this, my dentist has prescribed a silicon nightguard for me to wear in my sleep. This way, I wake up with fewer headaches than before.

4. I don't mind public speaking. I've heard the studies that say some people rate public speaking higher than death on their list of greatest fears, but it really isn't that bad to me.

5. I don't understand how health insurance works. I'm a fairly bright guy and I deal with investments and life insurance for a living. In fact, I'm licensed to sell health insurance. But as soon as you start talking about co-pays and deductibles and 80-20s, I'm lost.

6. I have an extremely patient and supportive wife. Even though I attempt to be an above-average father and husband, I'm sure there are times when I'm no picnic to live with. Without fail, she lets me ramble about boring stuff and laughs at my jokes.

7. If my daughter needs her hair fixed any other way than brushed and down, I'm useless. Try though I might, I can't get that kid's hair into a ponytail. I also can't get a bow in her hair unless it's the alligator-clip type.

8. I'd like to write a book. I just don't know what to write about. Give me some ideas. Seriously.

9. I don't read fiction. I enjoy reading, but I prefer to spend that time and energy learning about something new. (This is when all the fiction readers chime in and say, "I learn stuff from reading fiction, too!! I know you do. I learn when I read fiction, too.) My brain does better with nonfiction because it's usually linear and I don't have to keep up with a whole bunch of characters and how everyone is related, etc.

10. I don't exercise. But I should. Despite the proddings of my waistline and my physician, I don't have a regular exercise plan. Before the kids were born, Wife and I used to go to the gym three or four times a week. These days, it's tough to find time to go.

I don't think Al Gore would have approved

We were walking out the door to church this morning when Daughter stopped abruptly and declared, "Daddy! I'm cold."

"Okay," I told her. "Run up to your room and get your cardigan."

"Awww," she said upon learning that there would be effort involved on her part.

Since we were standing in the kitchen, she surveyed the surroundings with a MacGyver-like eye for opportunity.

"We could just make a sweater out of paper towels," she said.

I explained to her that a paper towel cardigan might not be durable over the course of church and Sunday School.

She relented and trotted off to fetch her cotton sweater.

Besides, you can't wear paper until after Memorial Day, right?

Three day weekend

What's on tap for the holiday weekend, folks?

It should be a pretty tame weekend here at the MBI Estate. My parents have graciously agreed to keep the kids for a few hours on Saturday so Wife and I can go celebrate a friend's birthday out at the lake. That's really about the extent of it.

Of course, now that I've said it should be a tame weekend, I've pretty much guaranteed that someone in our house will get a fever, catch on fire, or be attacked by bees. That's just our kind of luck.

How about you? Any big plans?

Movie Line Friday

It's time for another exciting edition of Movie Line Friday.

Here it is:

I spoke with your assistant and managed to secure three seats. However, there might be a slight inconvenience as you will be riding on a cargo plane full of live poultry.

Can you name the movie?

One heartbeat away

Word out of Washington today is that Barack Obama has started his search for a running mate in preparation for the general election.

This is great news for us here at the MBI Estate, because I'm considering applying for the job.

Here's what attracts me to the veep gig:

1. I would get a sweet house in the heart of DC with 'round-the-clock security and taxpayer-funded lawn care.
2. I could make my friends call me Mr. Vice President
3. My medical insurance would be paid by Uncle Sam
4. I'd probably get a Blackberry
5. I haven't checked, but there's probably a Vice Presidential discount on coffee at McDonalds

And here's where you'd probably say I'm not cut out for the job:

1. No leadership experience
2. No knowledge of foreign policy
3. Don't like confrontation
4. Opposing political viewpoints

I hear your objections and respectfully offer these rebuttals:

1. No leadership experience - I was the senior patrol leader of my Boy Scout troop when I was 16 - and - I've already been a vice president once in my life. If college student government isn't bootcamp for the highest levels of American government, I don't know what is.
2. No knowledge of foreign policy - Okay, you've totally got me on this one. I haven't traveled extensively and I don't speak any foreign languages. But I did take three years of German in high school and I really love Japanese food. Plus, if I were ever to meet with a foreign head of state, I have the ability to speak slowly and loudly to overcome the language barrier.
3. Don't like confrontation - Luckily, the veep isn't actually involved in making policy, so I wouldn't have to defend my positions or answer any questions. I could just swoop in and be the tie-breaking vote in tightly-contested Senate bills. If I ever did have to engage in a heated debate, I would most likely do it via email and then make myself feel better by talking trash about my opponent to my friends and family.
4. Opposing political viewpoints - he's a tall black liberal from the north and I'm a short white conservative from the south. Doesn't that just ooze with Felix-and-Oscar comedic tension? It could be political gold.

I think I'm the clear choice, don't you?

This is what I get for making her clean up her room

Last Tuesday, Daughter and I set about the task of cleaning up her room.

Like most preschoolers, Daughter subscribes to the theory that if having one toy out is fun, then having all the toys spread evenly over the entire floor is as close to Disney World as you can get without actually going there.

Daughter is also very artistic. Very, very artistic for a four year old. I've been meaning to scan some of her work and post it here, but I'm a lazy slob, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Anyhow, all of that is to say that her intense art sessions create some formidable messes of their own. What with the scissors and markers and paper and all.

Put simply, cleaning Daughter's room will make you crazy.

Getting back to our story, we were about halfway through our cleanup last week when I moved to the corner of her room where she works on her art projects. I was going to gather up all the tiny scraps of paper on which she had drawn cookies, tea, crayons (she uses markers to draw pictures of crayons - pretty mind-bottling, eh?), so I grabbed a little shoe box.

Judging from the weight of the box, there was nothing in it, so I pulled the top off and started to fill the box with paper scraps.

And that's when I heard this:

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! DAAAAADDDDDYYYYYYYY!!!"

I froze long enough to feel about 10% of my hair turn gray in real time, then I spun around to see if she was hurt, bleeding or on fire. Those were the only possibilities I could imagine to justify the blood-curdling shriek.

"What is it, honey?" I asked her.

"MY FINGERNAILS!!" she shot back, with a panicked look on her face.

"What about them?" I asked. "Did you hurt one of your fingers?"

"No Daddy. That box. That's my fingernail box!" she said.

She bounced over and snatched the shoebox from my hands and removed the paper scraps I had so carelessly put in there.

"See?" she asked.

I looked down in the corner of the box and saw a pile of little girl fingernails. She's apparently been administering her own manicures and keeps her clippings as souvenirs. Or maybe she saves them for some future craft project. I'm still not quite sure.

As hard as it may be to believe, it's actually quite difficult to get a straight answer as to why a child is saving her clipped fingernails from a child who saves her clipped fingernails.

And even though I think it's a touch creepy, I let her keep her fingernail collection. If I can keep her focused on her nails, it will hopefully keep her from dreaming up an even grosser alternative.

My life has been woefully sheltered

It came to my attention during a conference call today that I have missed out on one of life's greatest delicacies: a meal that begins with soup and ends with nuts.

You see, for years now, I've heard people use the phrase "soup to nuts" when describing something comprehensive or all-encompassing.

Actually, let me amend that: I've heard people with addresses above the Mason-Dixon line use the phrase "soup to nuts."

So as my mind wandered during my conference call today, I tried to recall if I have ever participated in a meal that began with soup and ended with nuts.

And despite the many meals I've eaten in many venues - from the home of a wealthy big bank executive to a back-alley restaurant with a health inspection rating of "C" - I've never had the soup to nuts experience.

(I guess I have something to add to the bucket list, right?)

I've had nuts between meals as a snack. I've had soup as a stand-alone meal and as a course during a larger meal. But I just don't see the connection between soup and nuts - especially if you're trying to say something is all-inclusive.

So to my friends in the more northern parts of the country, can you shine some light on the origin of "soup to nuts"?

The other thought I had during my mind-wandering conference call was that if the phrase "soup to nuts" is totally lost on me, maybe it's not as useful a phrase as we might think. It just seems like a very random association of words.

So I'm thinking about casually starting a new descriptor of my own to make people think two things should be related. Tell me which one you like:

1. From babies to grass clippings
2. From applesauce to Afghanistan
3. From Reeboks to roma tomatoes
4. From Dallas to science
5. From tax rebates to WD-40
6. From empathy to nosespray
7. From penguins to pancakes
8. From Andrew Firestone to pepper
9. From pavement to silly putty
10. From karate to Walgreens

In conclusion, here's your assignment:

1. Tell me if you've ever had a meal that started with soup and ended with nuts
2. Vote on which phrase we should circulate as the new "soup to nuts", or
3. Contribute your own phrase
   

10 things about meme

Shalee tagged me for a meme last week. She was tagged for a 10 Things About Me meme, but changed it to 10 Things I Hate About Me. I couldn't figure out which I wanted to do, so here's my version.

10 Things I Hate About Me

I'm too handsome. Women swoon and men want to fight me because I look so good.

I'm too smart. There's only so many phone calls I can take from Stephen Hawking asking me for help. After a while that robot voice gets on my nerves.

My hair is too thick and full. Shampoo companies are constantly seeking my endorsement.

I give too much of myself to people in need. Sometimes I find myself hurting from giving so much. (Bonus points if you catch the movie reference.)

I'm too physically fit. I find it hard to find clothes that accommodate my broad granite shoulders and pencil-thin waist.

I work way too hard. Sometimes I'd kill for just a hint of laziness.

My diet is too healthy. For once, I'd like to taste a Big Mac.

I have trouble deciding which car to drive to work. Benz? Bimmer? Lexus? Or do I just have Ron, my personal pilot, chopper me in to work?

My golf swing is envied 'round the globe. How many times am I going to catch Tiger taking cell phone pictures of me on the driving range?

I'm one of the greatest fathers the world has ever known. People like Dr. James Dobson are always asking me for parenting advice.

So that's a quick nibble for you. I'll post an honest list later this week.

Thanks again to Shalee for the tag!

I yell at sick children

I was afraid this might happen.

Remember my post the other day about how I can hear Son screaming even when he's not screaming because we've listened to so much screaming over the past few days?

You know, the post about how he's been a booger at bedtime and won't go to sleep?

Turns out the little dude has an ear infection. He's been fighting us at bedtime because he doesn't feel good.

We found out on Wednesday, after three nights of my awesome "tough love" bedtime routine, which went like this:

1. Brush teeth, read books, change diaper, cuddle in rocking chair
2. Put Son in bed
3. Explain that we've already read books
4. Explain that he'd already said goodnight to his sister
5. Tell him to lay down in gentle, soothing voice
6. Tell him to lay down in more firm, forceful voice
7. Yell "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LAY DOWN, FINE! SEE IF I CARE!!"
8. Walk to door
9. Close door
10. Listen to Son fuss, cry and scream

With the aid of hindsight, I can now see that yelling at him may not have been the best way of settling him down before sleep. I'll file that away for next time.

Answer to Movie Line Friday

Congratulations to Shalee, who correctly answered that "Brooks was here" is from Shawshank Redemption.

You people are good. I had to Google the phrase on Monday when my brother emailed it to me.

Movie Line Friday

I can't believe it's Friday already. But you know what that means: time for Movie Line Friday!

This week's edition is inspired by actual events. And it's not necessarily a spoken line this week as much as it is a specific scene. So maybe it should be Movie Scene Friday this week.

My employer is building a new building in town. On Monday, we went over to the construction site and each of us signed the last steel beam before it was hoisted into place.

I sent my brother a video clip of the event, and here's what he sent back:

"Brooks was here"

Who can tell me what movie that's from?

More of this or less of that?

Today I drove 6 hours round trip for a 4 hour meeting.

Actually, I rode with another guy from my company, so I didn't drive. Which meant I could drink the whole time.

I'm kidding. I drove and I drank the whole time.

I'm kidding. I just rode and I didn't drink.

But on with the story. Six hours seems like a long time to travel for a four hour meeting. Yet as I thought about it, I couldn't quite figure out which I would prefer: driving 6 hours for a 4 hour meeting - or - driving 4 hours for a 6 hour meeting.

What do you think: more driving, less meeting? Or less driving, more meeting?

The silence of the toddler

It's official. He's driven me insane.

Son has had a hard time going to sleep for the past few nights.

Every night at bedtime we follow our usual routine, and then just when it's time to close the door, he reaches into his bag of tricks to stall for more time.

Among his tricks are:

1. "one mo boo" - I'd like one more book
2. "kee kee" - I need to potty
3. "nigh nigh Mommy ee ee" - I'd like to say goodnight to Mommy and Daughter
4. "raa gin" - I'd like to spend more time in the rocking chair

When these requests are denied, he launches into inconsolable hysterics. He screams. And screams. And screams.

And have I mentioned that he screams?

Since we've figured out that he's just messing with us at bedtime, it's been tough love time in our house these last two nights.

As a result, we've had to endure some screaming. And by "some" I mean "a few hours worth".

I went to go check on him a few minutes ago and realized the depth of insanity to which he has cast me. Here's how I knew that I am now officially crazy:

Once I scooped him up and sat down with him in the rocking chair, and as he peacefully drifted off to sleep in my arms - I COULD STILL HEAR HIM SCREAMING.

And now, here I sit, on the opposite end of the house. He's sound asleep. The TV is muted. And yet I still hear the screaming in my head.

Anybody know where I can get myself a nice seersucker straitjacket?

It's also fun to soak in saliva

Daughter has a big red chair from Pottery Barn that sits in our family room.

The chair is essentially a collection of foam blocks held together by a thick, chair-shaped cotton cover.

Since it's so big and foamy, the chair also doubles as a jungle gym. The kids will turn it over and climb on top of it, or they'll crawl under it.

Tonight, I came out to the sunroom to see her sitting on top of the flipped-over red chair.

"Look Daddy - blood!" she said, pointing at the red cover of the chair.

I checked for any indication of actual blood. Seeing none, I concluded that she was referring to her chair.

"Blood?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm swimming," she replied.

And then (and I can't wait to see what kind of search results this phrase yields) she said this:

"It's fun to swim in blood!"

Friday night at the MBI Estate

It's Friday night. That means pizza, Best Week Ever and The Soup.

If you have a minute, take a stroll around the blogorhood (like that? I'm tired of the phrase 'blogosphere' so I'm making up a new word.) and see these things:

This is the funniest thing I've seen all week.

Darren has a big birthday this weekend. Stop by his place and wish him well.

Kittyhox has exciting news.

And last but not least, a smokin' hot woman I know cranked her blog back up today.

Have a great weekend!

Movie Line Friday

We're going back a few years with this week's Movie Line Friday, but I know you're up to the challenge.

So here's this week's movie line:

Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've worked in the private sector. They expect results.

What 80's classic brought us that line?

Storytime Economics

Daughter got her first lesson about the laws of supply and demand tonight.

We read the book Owen tonight, in which the title character's parents search for ways to separate Owen from his beloved blanket.

Along the way, they try to convince Owen to leave the blanket under his pillow at night so the Blanket Fairy will take the blanket and leave a gift.

"Is there really a Blanket Fairy?" Daughter asked.

"I'm sure there is," I told her.

"Fairies are real?" she continued.

"They must be," I told her, reminding her about the time the Paci Fairy came to our house and carried her pacifiers away.

And that's when the teachable moment - or series of teachable moments - began.

"Why don't we leave this blanket under my pillow for the Blanket Fairy?" she suggested, grabbing a blanket from the foot of her bed.

"Well, fairies only come when you're ready to give up very special things," I explained.

"Can I leave a sock for a fairy?" she pleaded.

I could tell that her mind was full of wishful thoughts about all the toys she might gain by stuffing something new under her pillow every night.

After she suggested a few more things she thought fairies should come retrieve (such as books and straws) I finally thought of an example to help her understand how the fairy system works.

"Fairies will bring you a gift when you give up something very special," I said. "Like if you left Duckie (her beloved duck/blanket) under your pillow."

"If you're ever ready to say goodbye to Duckie, you can leave him under your pillow and the Duckie Fairy will bring you a treat."

That seemed to illuminate the harsh reality of the fairy system - the quality of gifts brought by the fairies are directly related to the importance of the item placed under the pillow.

Among fairies, there's a glut of low-value items such as books, socks and straws. Consequently, the fairies won't pay top dollar for those.

But when you start talking about pacifiers and duckies, those items are in short supply. They fetch a tidy sum in the fairy market.

In other words, if you want something good from the fairies, you're going to have to give something good in return.

She wrapped up our conversation about fairies pretty quickly after I mentioned that her duck was eligible for fairy retrieval. We moved on with the story and then said prayers and turned the lights out.

I know the thought of her duck being gone forever was a scary proposition to her, and I'm glad she didn't give it serious consideration.

Truth be told, I can't see her without her duck any more easily than she can. He's her best friend in the world. And he's a part of our family.

I'm glad she didn't call my bluff.

MBI's Spring Soundtrack

I had a cool post up a few minutes ago with an embedded mix tape full of songs that I've been listening to in recent weeks.

Now that I've checked this site again, the embeddedness seems to have failed. Stupid computers. Now you'll never know what music blares from my car as I speed to and fro.

Unless, of course, I just give you a list.

Here's MBI's Spring Soundtrack:

Into the Ocean by Blue October
New Soul by Yael Naim
Say by John Mayer
Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers
Something's Always Wrong by Toad the Wet Sprocket
Stop and Stare by OneRepublic
Flashing Lights by Kanye West
Good Life by Kanye West
M79 by Vampire Weekend
Kelsey by Metro Station
Nine in the Afternoon by Panic at the Disco
Shake It by Metro Station
Summer Skin by Death Cab for Cutie
The General Specific by Band of Horses

A couple items of note regarding this playlist:

1. In direct violation of a hard-and-fast mix tape rule, I put two songs by the same artist back-to-back.
2. Check out the two songs by Metro Station. If you like 80's music, you'll probably like these.

There you go. If your music collection needs a little sprucing up for Spring, try a few of these.

Happy listening!

Answer to Movie Line Friday

Congratulations to WendyDarling, who correctly answered that the line:

I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.

Is from the classic This is Spinal Tap. Way to go, Wendy!

Tune in next week for another thrilling edition of Movie Line Friday!

Mistaken for a TV weatherman

You had some great replies to my post yesterday about the Applebee's server who thought I was her celebrity sighting.

Here are the guesses so far:

1. Katie Couric
2. Matt Lauer
3. A young Charlie Gibson
4. Al Roker
5. Brick Tamland

I know the suspense is killing you, so without further delay, this - for better or worse - is the celebrity I most resemble.

Movie Line Friday

After a long absence, Movie Line Friday is back!

Please try to restrain your glee. You're making a scene.

This week's movie line is a tough one, but I trust there's someone out there who can get it:

I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.

What's your guess?

I just hope she didn't think she saw me on Dateline

Tonight I stopped at Applebee's to pick up a big tub of chicken wings.

It was our last night of class, so we decided to pile up some food and eat before our big exam.

I'm generally useless when it comes to bringing food to stuff like this, so I decided I'd break the mold tonight and carry my weight for once.

I went inside the restaurant to place my order and then went out to the car to call home and check in with Wife.

After a while, a girl brought the wings to my car and said this:

"I'm sorry it took so long. And I just have to ask - are you on TV?"

I gave her a puzzled look.

"You look like the guy on the news," she elaborated. "Everyone inside thinks so."

Unfortunately, "the guy on the news" was as specific as she could get. So that narrows things down to a range that spans from Bill O'Reilly to Al Roker. And a host of other local news dudes.

I told her that no, I'm not on the news. And I told her that she should tell her friends inside that I am.

Because apparently I'm a huge supporter of honesty.

So here's a question for you (and this will be fun since most of you don't actually know me): Which TV personality would you guess I most resemble?

Enter your guess in the Comments.