One heartbeat away

Word out of Washington today is that Barack Obama has started his search for a running mate in preparation for the general election.

This is great news for us here at the MBI Estate, because I'm considering applying for the job.

Here's what attracts me to the veep gig:

1. I would get a sweet house in the heart of DC with 'round-the-clock security and taxpayer-funded lawn care.
2. I could make my friends call me Mr. Vice President
3. My medical insurance would be paid by Uncle Sam
4. I'd probably get a Blackberry
5. I haven't checked, but there's probably a Vice Presidential discount on coffee at McDonalds

And here's where you'd probably say I'm not cut out for the job:

1. No leadership experience
2. No knowledge of foreign policy
3. Don't like confrontation
4. Opposing political viewpoints

I hear your objections and respectfully offer these rebuttals:

1. No leadership experience - I was the senior patrol leader of my Boy Scout troop when I was 16 - and - I've already been a vice president once in my life. If college student government isn't bootcamp for the highest levels of American government, I don't know what is.
2. No knowledge of foreign policy - Okay, you've totally got me on this one. I haven't traveled extensively and I don't speak any foreign languages. But I did take three years of German in high school and I really love Japanese food. Plus, if I were ever to meet with a foreign head of state, I have the ability to speak slowly and loudly to overcome the language barrier.
3. Don't like confrontation - Luckily, the veep isn't actually involved in making policy, so I wouldn't have to defend my positions or answer any questions. I could just swoop in and be the tie-breaking vote in tightly-contested Senate bills. If I ever did have to engage in a heated debate, I would most likely do it via email and then make myself feel better by talking trash about my opponent to my friends and family.
4. Opposing political viewpoints - he's a tall black liberal from the north and I'm a short white conservative from the south. Doesn't that just ooze with Felix-and-Oscar comedic tension? It could be political gold.

I think I'm the clear choice, don't you?