That accent is wicked bad

Wife has finished baking her Pumpkin-Rum Cake with Brown Sugar Icing and we have settled in to watch Private Practice.

They've introduced a character this week with a thick Southern accent.

I've been around Southern accents for most of my life. Never have I seen one correctly portrayed in a TV show or movie. Not one time. Never.

Most actors think that talking like an antebellum plantation owner will do the trick. Others try to sound like Nancy Grace.

For those of you who haven't spent any time in the South, no one talks like Nancy Grace. I'll bet Nancy Grace doesn't even talk like Nancy Grace when the cameras aren't rolling.

Some folks think they can sound Southern if they simply drop the "g" off the ends of their words. Spelling becomes spellin'. Driving becomes drivin'. But it doesn't work. It still doesn't sound right.

The truth of the matter is that Southern accents are a moving target. An Alabama accent is different from a Tennessee accent. The low country of South Carolina is different from Atlanta.

My advice for actors trying to crack the elusive Southern accent is this: don't. It's not something you can fake.

If you need us to believe that your character is from the South, just put on a Braves cap or Vols jersey and talk how you normally talk. Hearing a Southern accent done poorly is like nails on a chalkboard. It hurts the ears, skin and brain all at once.

Right back at ya, Sam

This is my boy Sam, the new yellow Wiggle.

Sam lived down the hall from me during my semester abroad in college. We had a history class together and used to make up songs to study for exams.

You should hear our version of "In Versailles" set to Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes". We also came up with one called "I'm Gonna Sign the Emancipation Proclamation" set to the tune of LL Cool J's "I'm Gonna Knock You Out".

Good stuff.

Anyhow, now that he's headlining as a full-fledged Wiggle, Sam spends all his time on the road. We don't chat much anymore.

But when The Wiggles rolled through town recently, he spotted me in the crowd and threw up a wave.

He's a good kid.

***

Okay, that's not true at all. But I like the way that story fits with the picture better than the actual truth (that pesky truth!) which is:

This is a picture of the yellow Wiggle waving in the general direction of our section in a giant civic center.

Movie Line Friday

Time for another edition of Movie Line Friday!

This one shouldn't be too hard:

"Now why don't you make like a tree and get the hell out of here..."

What movie is that line from?

Good luck!

Here's my non-roundup roundup

This probably doesn't happen to you all that often. To me, it's a pretty regular occurrence.

Every time I've plopped myself down in front of the computer to post, all I've heard is this:

"Duhhh..."

Sometimes I haven't even heard that. I just heard crickets chirping. And then a tumbleweed blew by.

So although it has never stopped me before, I've been quiet because I just haven't had much to say.

Rather than give you a typical round-up list of the things I've been up to, why not tell you things I haven't done this past week?

I have not:

• accompanied Ann Curry to the South Pole on the Today Show's ratings stunt
• been involved in the death of Kanye West's mother
• fought for custody of Britney's two children
• flipped a house
• fought off a staph infection
• written off billions of dollars of bad debts
• rushed for five touchdowns and thrown for two
• called for an end to sectarian violence
• testified against O.J.
• attended sensitivity training with Dog the Bounty Hunter
• saved the cheerleader
• saved the world
• seen The Wiggles in concert*

So there you have it. That's what I haven't been up to.

What about you? What have you not been up to?

* That's false. We have been to see The Wiggles. More on that later.

Sometimes a man needs a snack

A few years ago, Wife bought me a little book called something like Esquire's Guide to Style.

It's one of those little gift books you see next to the register at your big book/coffee stores. It's a funny little book, and one of the reminders I remember very clearly is this:

How many Fortune 500 CEOs do you see wearing that fish tie you think is so cool?

None. Exactly. Get rid of the fish tie.

If the editors are interested in putting out a second edition, I've got one from my personal experience:

How many Fortune 500 CEOs do you see driving down the road with a can of Pringles in their cupholder?

None. Exactly. Lose the can of Pringles.

I wish I could.

Eight

Eight years ago today, in a horrific lapse of judgment, this gorgeous woman married me.

I am a lucky, lucky man.

Happy Anniversary, Wife!

Nail polish is a different story

Before Wife and I had kids, we made a list of all the stuff we would never do.

Among other things, we swore we'd never own a minivan. So naturally, in May 2006, we bought a minivan.

Long story short: I'm not so good at predicting my own future.

Despite the fact that I don't have a strong track record of sticking with my "I will never..." resolutions, I feel safe with one I'm about the share with you.

On Yahoo tonight, there was a feature on how the effeminate male lead from High School Musical is bringing the use of eyeliner by males into the mainstream.

Here it is for the record - a resolution I can say with absolute certainty I won't have any trouble keeping:

I will never wear eyeliner.

That is all.

I'll blame it on the time change

I've started two other posts this morning but can't get them to turn out the way I want. That's even with the assistance of a hot cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee.

In the meantime, Philip Brewer has a good post up at Wise Bread on how to Manage Your Charitable Giving. It's a good read, particularly as we head into the holiday spending binge. I started a post this morning offering my two cents on the subject. I'll polish it off and post it this week.

For now, I'll leave you with this:

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt with a big yellow stripe on it under his arm.

The bartender says, "Need a drink?"

The man says, "Yeah. One for me and one for the road."

We think your son can't hear

Wife had an interesting morning at the ENT doctor with Son yesterday.

She tells the story better than I can.

Movie Line Friday

It's time for another exciting edition of Movie Line Friday! Today's Movie Line shouldn't be too hard:

Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.

Alrighty, kids. What's that line from?