To the bird that's been anointing my car
Dear Bird That Keeps Unloading on My Car,
It has come to my attention that you have taken an interest in building a relationship (and by "building a relationship" I mean "crapping buckets of waste") with my vehicle. I'm not sure what - other than the massive splotches you have left all over my silver chariot - tipped me off to this.
I would like to humbly ask that you leave me and my family alone and move on to some other target.
If you got to know me, I really think you'd like me. I'm a nice guy with a nice wife and two nice kids. I'm active in my church and I do a lot in the community. I do my best at work to earn a decent living for my family. I really don't think you'd want to crap on my car if you just took the time to get to know me.
I have always been kind to birds. Except for the one time I went dove hunting with a friend, I have never sought to do harm to your kind. I have never knowingly destroyed a bird's nest or touched a baby bird, because they say that's bad.
And it's safe to say - 85% probability - that I have never evacuated my bowels on or near any of your possessions.
I am also at a loss as to what provoked this sudden interest of yours in my vehicle. I have done nothing to provoke you, even going so far as to park in places far removed from any potential perches. Which only serves to make this series of events all the worse, as this is not a passive activity for you. Because of where I am parking, you can't just sit on the limb and do your thing, you have to hose my car with your vicious dung while in flight.
Despicable. You should know better.
Consider this letter as your notice that if the fecal decorations don't cease, I will be forced to seek the advice of an attorney. If we then fail to reach an understanding, I will be forced to seek the assistance of my pellet gun.
And if all that fails, I will be forced to unleash the vials of bird flu I keep in the house. And nobody wins when the bird flu gets unleashed. Just don't make me do it at night, because I store the bird flu in a rickety box under my son's crib, and I wouldn't want to wake him up.
Thank you for your understanding.
Sincerely,
MyBestInvest
It has come to my attention that you have taken an interest in building a relationship (and by "building a relationship" I mean "crapping buckets of waste") with my vehicle. I'm not sure what - other than the massive splotches you have left all over my silver chariot - tipped me off to this.
I would like to humbly ask that you leave me and my family alone and move on to some other target.
If you got to know me, I really think you'd like me. I'm a nice guy with a nice wife and two nice kids. I'm active in my church and I do a lot in the community. I do my best at work to earn a decent living for my family. I really don't think you'd want to crap on my car if you just took the time to get to know me.
I have always been kind to birds. Except for the one time I went dove hunting with a friend, I have never sought to do harm to your kind. I have never knowingly destroyed a bird's nest or touched a baby bird, because they say that's bad.
And it's safe to say - 85% probability - that I have never evacuated my bowels on or near any of your possessions.
I am also at a loss as to what provoked this sudden interest of yours in my vehicle. I have done nothing to provoke you, even going so far as to park in places far removed from any potential perches. Which only serves to make this series of events all the worse, as this is not a passive activity for you. Because of where I am parking, you can't just sit on the limb and do your thing, you have to hose my car with your vicious dung while in flight.
Despicable. You should know better.
Consider this letter as your notice that if the fecal decorations don't cease, I will be forced to seek the advice of an attorney. If we then fail to reach an understanding, I will be forced to seek the assistance of my pellet gun.
And if all that fails, I will be forced to unleash the vials of bird flu I keep in the house. And nobody wins when the bird flu gets unleashed. Just don't make me do it at night, because I store the bird flu in a rickety box under my son's crib, and I wouldn't want to wake him up.
Thank you for your understanding.
Sincerely,
MyBestInvest
posted by Leighton @ My Best Investments at
11:18 AM
1 Comments:
Awesome. Just threaten to send him to Austin. We know how to deal with his kind here...
Dead Birds
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