How Honda will win the war in Iraq
So I think we should have bought a bright red minivan.
And I think our van needs some kind of perpetual blinking light on it. Maybe something a little more eye-catching than a hazard light or brake lamp. Something more elaborate...like the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas.
It would probably also help to have some kind of siren. A siren loud enough that you could hear it with noise-cancelling earphones while shooting a gun from a low-flying helicopter during a tornado at a Nascar race.
The car should also have some sort of odor cloud that hovers over its exterior. An odor foul enough to gross out a coroner.
So why do we need to trick out the van with all this stuff?
Because currently, our vehicle is an unassuming shade that Honda calls Sage Brush Pearl. Sage Brush Pearl is a lot like Wife and I - understatedly stylish while at the same time capable of blending in with the scenery.
Our rental van is also a color very similar to Sage Brush Pearl. And today I learned why Sage Brush Pearl was a mistake. Because when you have Sage Brush Pearl:
Your car. Gets hit. In parking lots.
That's right. The bluish minivan we are driving because our bluish minivan got hit in a parking lot...
...wait for it...
GOT HIT IN A PARKING LOT TODAY!
THAT'S why I think the bright red paint, Vegas style lighting, ear-splitting sirens and rotten odor are in order. Because apparently, it's very difficult for drivers to distinguish between a parking space that's totally empty and a space that's occupied by a ton of sheet metal, leather, rubber and glass. We need some other way to warn these drivers that they are in danger of hitting a sedentary object. Maybe all the blinking and wailing and stinking will do it.
If there is a silver lining to all this it's this: since Sage Brush Pearl lies outside the range of colors visible to the human eye, we could probably use it to paint all those Humvees and armored personnel carriers that are going to be sent over in The Surge in Iraq. Those Iraqis will never know we're there.
And I think our van needs some kind of perpetual blinking light on it. Maybe something a little more eye-catching than a hazard light or brake lamp. Something more elaborate...like the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas.
It would probably also help to have some kind of siren. A siren loud enough that you could hear it with noise-cancelling earphones while shooting a gun from a low-flying helicopter during a tornado at a Nascar race.
The car should also have some sort of odor cloud that hovers over its exterior. An odor foul enough to gross out a coroner.
So why do we need to trick out the van with all this stuff?
Because currently, our vehicle is an unassuming shade that Honda calls Sage Brush Pearl. Sage Brush Pearl is a lot like Wife and I - understatedly stylish while at the same time capable of blending in with the scenery.
Our rental van is also a color very similar to Sage Brush Pearl. And today I learned why Sage Brush Pearl was a mistake. Because when you have Sage Brush Pearl:
Your car. Gets hit. In parking lots.
That's right. The bluish minivan we are driving because our bluish minivan got hit in a parking lot...
...wait for it...
GOT HIT IN A PARKING LOT TODAY!
THAT'S why I think the bright red paint, Vegas style lighting, ear-splitting sirens and rotten odor are in order. Because apparently, it's very difficult for drivers to distinguish between a parking space that's totally empty and a space that's occupied by a ton of sheet metal, leather, rubber and glass. We need some other way to warn these drivers that they are in danger of hitting a sedentary object. Maybe all the blinking and wailing and stinking will do it.
If there is a silver lining to all this it's this: since Sage Brush Pearl lies outside the range of colors visible to the human eye, we could probably use it to paint all those Humvees and armored personnel carriers that are going to be sent over in The Surge in Iraq. Those Iraqis will never know we're there.
posted by Leighton @ My Best Investments at
7:22 PM
4 Comments:
Oh no! Sorry for your trouble but I can't get over the laughing at "lies outside the range of colors visible to the human eye..."
Good luck with all your tricked out accessories.
I think bright red may definitely be the way to go.
Things that make you go Hmmmmm... Our beautiful Quicksilver Nissan Quest has been in two accidents in the last few years... Why is it RED car owners pay higher insurance premiums? Things that make you go, Hmmmmm...
Yep, sounds like Sage Brush Pearl is the way to go for all military vehicles!
Perhaps just a few dozen Sage Brush Pearl Honda minivans dispensing a few thousand Soothie pacifiers would tie this whole war thing right up.
Someone should notify Condi! What am I saying... I'm sure she reads our blogs! I'll bet she's cool like that!
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